I want a boyfriend

But truthfully, I'm not ready.
I want someone to share my life with, laugh at all my dumb comments and hug me when things get tough. I want to hear everything that happens in their life. What they ate for dinner and which one of their toes is bigger.
But I don't want to deal with finding the right guy.
I'm still not ready to date guys, I don't know if I ever will be. I don't feel like it.
I don't want to deal with all the crappy guys that just want down my pants. (cough tinder cough)
I'm so sick of having guys only want one thing. They only ask questions to find out what will make you get with them.
The sad part is, I know their are guys out there, that are better than what I describing above. However, living in Utah makes me feel like the only way I'll ever find a nice decent human being is if I joined a church. Which is crazy because their are nice people outside of churches. < I need to find a church for me, no one else...however, I've been thinking about it more lately...what do I really believe in?

I'm kind of done with hook-up culture and looking for a guy. I don't need anyone in life to "complete" me. I am my own person and hopefully someone will come along a be the decent being the can come into my life and we can make each-other "better" people.

I'm also sick of being around people who only like to hook up. I don't like it. I couldn't care less for it. I want to LIKE the person before they try to stick their tongue down my throat (like ewwwwwwwwww, I could go to the doctor if I wanted someone down there) 

I want a friend over a hook-up, even if that hook-up could turn into a relationship.
So for lent I'm giving up Tinder and other sites like that and yes I know I don't celebrate lent. 

List of things that I will do to "better" myself instead of focusing on "other opposite sex"

1. Get my drivers license (I will punch every single friend that says "FINALY")
2. Find something active that I like to do. (A video or going to the gym)
3. Photography (Get out of your room and take pictures...please?)
4. Find a new type of book to read other than romance ( There doesn't always have to be a happy ending) 
5. Focus more on my school work. (This should be higher on list)

Alright Dianne, go forth and try your hardest to just live...

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What I am?

I'm ditzy, blonde and I'm not always the smartest tool in the shed.

However I do love the people around me. Sometimes a little too much and I'm not very great at letting go of those people. Maybe it's because I always think of the best of them in my head.

I always wonder why people like me. Do they like me for my ideas, thoughts or random comments? Do they like me for being caring? or do they only like me because I'm a push over? Because I'm a person you can repeatedly make fun of.

I've had failed friendships in the past 5 years and I'm always upset when it happens. I always take the blame upon myself, but this time around I'm trying not to. But every time it happens, I'm right back to where I am now, sad that I can't call that person and tell them about my day and find out about theirs. That I can't ask them to hang out and eat bad food like Taco Bell.

 I miss them because I love the people around me, even when I can't stand them, I love them. I love every part about them because they have accepted me as their friends and for that, why wouldn't I love them? They "love" me despite all the flaws I see in myself, they hang out with me even when I'm that push over and they tell me to stand up for myself and I never do. They love me even though I'm the silly blonde thats from Canada. Even when I always pick arguments.

I'm sure the moment my friends read this I'm going to get comments like "Dianne, don't be dumb people will always love you"or "It wasn't your fault" or "You are better than that"

It's just been one of those thoughts that come into my head and need to leave...in a blog?

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Logan

February is always my "blah"month. School started back up and there is still snow on the ground that I want to leave. Assignments start to pile up and I don't want to do them! The snow makes you stay inside not wanting to leave the warm blankets on your bed. Not wanting to leave your bed, makes it harder to see people/friends and hang out with them. Moving back to Salt Lake has been great but I don't know as many people as I did in Logan. I have less people to choose from in Salt Lake, which is life but it makes me sad knowing that about 80 miles away, I have those people that would craw into my bed and watch movies with me or go hot tubing.

Choosing Utah State was one of my favorite decisions ever made. Yes, I don't go to school there anymore and I never want to go back to school there. However, my two years in Logan were my favorite because of the friends I made. I don't know who I would be without having them in my life. They have taught me many lessons, good and bad, but lessons that have made me the person I am. Going to Logan this past weekend helped me remember that no matter how lonely I get in Salt Lake, I have my friends and they aren't going to stop being my friends despite being 80ish miles away.

They talk to me about silly little thoughts that pop into my head.

Have random dance parties in cars to music that we wouldn't our mothers knowing we listen to.

They see my flaws but also see what's to love about me even when I don't see the same.


They are my friends and I crave them. It's so nice knowing that I have these people in my life that I don't see for months and everything is the same. Everything has changed, but it still remans the same. It's because I love my friends. With love anything can change but it still remain the same, the same conversations, the same memories, the same feelings, the same knowing each other. I'm so excited to grow with these "college kids" grow and become amazing "adults"

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Maddie, a poem

Madeline Millburn. 

is one of the nicest people I know. 

is kind in so many different ways.

always picks me up when I'm feeling down.

never tells me I'm dumb.

is my blogging buddy.

was the best roommate. 

has the best hair ever.

doesn't judge me for being superficial.

is very thoughtful in all of her actions. 

is very inclusive to everyone around her. 

is ms independent and doesn't need no man. 

is now legal, but smarter than that. 

listens to all of my worries and eases them.

is such a supportive friend.

loves it when I poke her. 

loves Trent and I love her for it. 

will be in my life forever (I won't let her leaveeeee me)  

will talk forever about dumb girl things with me.

goes hot tubing like a babe.

eats wings like a babe.

she's pretty much a babe all around.

Maddie,

 I'm so thankful to have you in my life. You are def a person that makes it brighter and happier. I don't know what I would do without you in my life, to tell how which shirt is better, or lipstick. Most importantly you are there when I have my crazy dumb ideas in my head and you talk me out of all the bad thoughts that go on in there too. I'm so thankful to have met you our first year together because it't  wouldn't have been the same without you there. Everything I do, you're one of the first people I want to tell because you want to hear it and talk to me about it. You are so caring and anyone who you befriend is crazy not to see that. Weelp, this is the first year I've known you where I'm not there with you to celebrate and I'm crazy sad because I love you and I don't want to miss any of it. BUT knowing that I can still be apart of your special days even from a hour and half away makes it better because no matter where life takes us I know we'll be there supporting each other. Maddie, you are a amazing person and don't change a thing.

Love, your crazy Canadian that used to be your roommate in Logan and is missing you so much!
(P.S. Pretty sure I've topped most boys ever with this note ;) )

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Is God right for me?

I remember being a little girl sitting in a classroom and thinking "is this it? what is the point to life?"
I got to see many of my classmates have all these cool religions, with different holidays and events.
Then there was me, the little white girl that didn't know. I knew nothing much of God. I knew that my best friend and her family didn't believe in him.

 I knew that I was told to be a "good person" by my parents. Being a good person was standing up for what was right and facing your fears, much like David and the lion or norah and his arch. My mother would read me stories at night like David. David was one of my favorites because he over came hard troubles. He faced fears. I at the time was so frightened of my own fears. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be strong when times got hard. 

Then there was the fact that my mother would always tell me that I was christened in the United Church of Canada. My mother would tell how she went to sunday school and so did my father.
I even remember finding her bible and looking at it, wondering why people fought over this book, why did people died for this book. What is so important about God?

Then I moved to Utah, where most people here are Mormon and know what they believe. They believe in God, that he knows how we should live life and how to become the best that we can be. I have always been so jealous of people who knew. They believe so much that they don't question the basics of God.

I always wanted something higher to believe in. Someone who I could turn to when life wasn't going my way. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I just haven't had that "I love God" moment. I've had so many moments that I would have loved to have someone to turn too.

 The only time I've ever trusted God was when my grandmother had passed away. She believe, she would yell at me when I would say "Oh my God" and I would have to change it to "Oh my gosh". She would go to the small chapel by T Lake on the weekend when I was younger. I trusted that he would take care of her. I trusted that she was in a better place. That the hard part was over.

But sometimes when I'm left alone in my thoughts, I can't help but think "If your real, why is this wrong with me" or "Why did you let that happen? Why can't I be more like this" Can I really believe that there is something after this? I truly hope so because I can't bare the thought of letting people go.

I guess this has just been a "I want to know" day.

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How to get over a bad day

How to get over a bad day.

Open your computer.

Forget Facebook is a thing.

Google "Gilmore Girls". 

Watch as many episodes as you can.

If that doesn't work, try some wine or hot chocolate 

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